Focus on the pain
by SlayTheLiving
Summary: Shinji is always in pain. He fails everyone, always, right? ShinjiXHikari
1. Chapter 1

Frist fic

Chapter 1:Wasn't a good idea

Disclaimer:How the hell could I own NGE?

* * *

Shinji Ikari, famed EVA pilot, hailed hero, looked on at the growing pool of crimson. His eyes shifted to the sliver kitchen knife, its chrome was bleached in a dark earthy red. He was intent on loving the felling of his assured end. His eyes felt heavy, he let them slip, and at first the deep cuts in his wrists hurt.....alot! But now he felt like the warm maroon liquid was similar to sheets of heavy velvet. A sickly simple thought came to his mind. No more pain, no more hate, nothing. He heard the light knock on the apartment's door. Both Misato and Asuka were off at some mall trip. The knocks grew louder, the hiss of the automatic door and the sounds of footsteps. He was sure he locked it now he was hoping he had lost enough blood so that no one could ruin his end. He tried to find a fake light at the end of some dark tunnel.

"Hey Auska...It's me Hikari I found your-" Hikari spoke quietly before letting out a shrill, the house key card falling from her hands.

Her hands shot to her mouth as tears began to run down her face. Her words only came out as small squeaks and gasps looking around; she grabbed a few towels and a phone. She nearly crashed into him as she slid toward the boy, franticly pushing the towels onto his wrists. He heard the buzz of the phone and Hikari's shouts he slowly felt a strange warmth fill through his numb body. He was slipping into oblivion and dark circles closing in his eye sight. His last sight was a close, crying, Hikari leaning on his numb limbs.

* * *

His eyes fluttered open and focused on the now very common ceiling, the place smelt of latex and bleach. His anger rose his fists clenched the pale blue sheets, noting the sting in his wrist. Tears welled in his eyes. He had failed....again.

Why did we always fail? The only thing he did right was pilot EVA and then he failed himself. Why the hell had that stupid class rep took that away from him that.....that...that bitch!

No that wasn't fair, his chest relaxed from its previous rising and falling, she was just helping, just caring. That thought slowly infected is mind and drew an odd warmth into his heart. If Asuka had found him there she would have bitched about how he was bleeding out all over her kitchen, and Misato would have cried and got wasted. Maybe she wasn't bad though......maybe someone did care.

Shinji sighed. Right that would great. No he couldn't think that. The truth would only create another wound in an ever gaping world of cuts and holes. If she was scared of him he couldn't blame her. Everyone was so scared of self mutilation he'd never know. Wait why was he spending so much time thinking about her?

"Shinji!" Misato screamed as she ran to the boy

'Christ why does she always do this' His look of hate was more apparent than he wanted. He felt her grip tighten as her tears soaked his medical gown his mental pain slowly rising. Had he failed her to? Yes why had he even thought about it?

"Shinji why.....why did you.....do this?!?" Misato managed to force through sobs.

"I....I uh I don't know" Shinji lazily said

"Why won't you talk to me, to anyone!" Misato cried out

"Do I have any synch tests this week?" Shinji said

"God why....why...no." Misato voice gained some composer

"Can I leave?" He asked quietly

"Yeah" Misato said

* * *

She watched him, the slow rise and fall of his steady breathing. She found it strange how she missed him of all people, after Toji was hurt and moved she hated him. But when she saw him sitting in the kitchen lying against a table leg in a pool of his blood. She was scared for him, she thought often about holding him as he cried into her chest.

'I just want him to be happy, I can see smiling holding my hand, me playing with his hair, his lips gently pressed on min- what am i thinking!' she blushed as she played with her pencil 'I really should listen to the teachers'

She jumped at the lunch bell, she watched as Shinji slowly rose from his seat letting everyone else leave first.

"Let's go, that idiot wasn't here all week. I still haven't eaten a decent lunch" Asuka spoke behind her

"I got to do some work for the teacher" Hikari called out as she ran after Shinji

"Whatever"

She just stared at him, she found herself doing that a lot lately, every day at lunch he come up to the roof by himself and lay down. She slowly walked over to where he laid, his eyes closed.

"Shi-" Hikari was cut short

"Why?" Sjinji asked quietly

"What?" Hikari asked confused

"Why did you save me, other than the humanity" Shinji cold voice held a little sadness

"I.....I....I don't know" Hikari sighed out the last words hoping to change the subject

"Do you feel sorry for me?" Shinji asked

"A little bit" She squeaked out

"Is that why you're talking to me?" Shinji sat up and looked her in the eye

"No" Hikari saw the look of shock on his face

"Then....then why?" Hikari blushed

"Because......" Shinji just stared at her

"I'm sorry, I just wanted it all to end, I didn't mean to drag you in" Shinji spoke sadly after a few minutes

"Why....why are you so sad" Shinji was surprised to see her crying

Shinji opened his mouth to speak but was hugged tightly. He was surprised as he wrapped his arms around her for once in his life he didn't fell like he failed. In Hikari's embrace he felt warm a first in a long time.

"Shinji.....that wasn't a good idea"


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer:I don't own NGE

Chapter 2

* * *

Hikari Horaki found a new hobby, a strange stalking kind of hobby, but even though she would say 'STOP THAT' to herself. In the end however she'd end up looking at him all through class it's not like she wanted to she couldn't help it. His hair a dark muddy brown, his skin truning paler each day, his once blue eyes seemed almost gray now. She thought of the talk they had, she tried to talk to him afterword but found that she couldn't speak. He slowly turned to face her, she blushed yet held his gaze she felt Asuka tap her but she felt lost in his eyes. Hikari quickly noticed that not only Shinji was looking at her but the whole class.

"Wha...what?" Hikari asked her brow wrinkled in confusion

"The bell" Asuka whispered behind her

"Wha-oh" Hiakri jumped to her feet "Rise,Bow,Dismissed!"

The students did as told and ran out the entrance she once more found herself star struck by Shinji. She noted the whit gause wrapped around his wrist, his wince as he used his hands to rise. She watched his form shuffle towards the door and retreat down the hall.

"Wha'd that idiot do to you?" Asuka pressed the word idot

"He's not a idiot" Hikari stated

"Sure, how you can see good in everyone i'll never know" Auska whined

* * *

"How was school?" Miasto asked

He stood rigid at the door to his room, he had hoped that she missed his entrance. Ever since Shinji came home from the hosptial he was put under sucide watch first it was section 2, then Miasto had taken off work for the duty. That meant that every time he'd come home Miasto would ask to many quisteions.

"Fine" He opened the door

"Ok...." came the reply through the door

He shut his eyes tight falling on the bed, He let the cool felling of his sheets stranlge him. 'Miasto,Asuka,Toji,Kensuke,Dr. Akagi,Hikari......Hikari' his sighing a cover his face in sheets only succeed in pissing him off more. Her words echoed countless through his fevered mind, her tears, her warm embrace. 'why should she care?' 'maybe she thinks it's job as class rep?' God he found himself again thinking about the pony tailed girl. Why? he never found the reason but weither good or bad he always semmed to have the young class rep on his mind. Thinking about her wasn't selfish, was it? It seemed like before his attempt at suicide he had thought about his relationship with others and quickly found that it wasn't for him they were nice to him because they wanted something, everyone aside from Toji but he failed him so ending his life wouldn't have changed much. But with Hikari even if she was only doing her 'job' he felt better, not that he wasn't gonna try to keep living.

* * *

'That wasn't a good idea' Her words ran through his mind as he looked at the black finish of the handgun. One good thing came Miasto always around she had her gun in her room when she wasn't at work coupled with the fact that she was a heavy sleeper equaled good things on this part. He pulled lightly on the hammer of the gun, finding quickly that you needed to apply some force cause that's what they do in the movies right? That and the safety is brain answered he was satisfied to find a red dot staring back at him. How should he do it? The head no pain, maybe the heart i'd hurt only for a bit right? Yeah he should suffer foe letting Toji down for forcing that nice girl Hikari to waste her time on him. The steel felt to the skin in his hand he pressed hard *Click* 'What the hell?' *Click* the ammo! his mind offered he looked for how and pressed the button he looked confused as he stared at the mag. He was lost in the thought as he tried sevral more times, so lost in fact he never heard her crying.

"Wha....What are you doing?"Hikari asked quietly

He almost fell out of the seat he looked around he was sure he locked the classroom door. In a vain attempt to hide the gun he hid it in his pants hoping she hadn't saw it.

'Just be the class rep, class rep no more no less' Hikari told herself trying, and failing, to stop shaking and crying "Scho...school policy you can not carry firearms with you" She did her best Rei impression

"Sorry can you, uh, not....not tell" Shinji asked hopefully

He never got her answer instead Asuka ran in saying he was trying to rape her or something he wasn't listening to her. He just watched her trun and run from the room he thought he should follow but she was gone he just really hoped she wouldn't.

* * *

'Why? Why? Why!' She thought he was better she even thought she'd seen him smile. Wrong all wrong maybe thats what she wanted to see, him just being habby contenet with HER. That wasn't selfish of her to want him better, happy that she knew but was it selfish that she him to be all those things with her?

'I should tell his guardian' Hikari sighed who was his guardian, oh right Miasto that women all the boys ogle what was her last name? She heard Asuka always call her Miasto and how she only seemed to care about her "baby Shinji" was she shinjis mom? She shifted over to one of the schools pay phones inserting her money she knew the name by heart now beacuse she calls Auska so often. The dial tone gave her a second to think 'should i call her Miasto? maybe what Kensuke calls her some rank, Major?'

"Hello?" The words sounded tired forced as the person was breathing hard into the phone

"Uh....Miss Miss Ikari?" Hikari tried

"What, no this is Mastio Katsuragi" Hikari blushed

"Im sorry Miss Katuragi, this Hikari" she felt stupid

"Oh Hikari! Yes?'

"I'd like to speak to you about Shinji"

* * *

Shinji was never the best at sneaking

"It wouldn't work?" Shinji fell

"Wha-"

"The gun"

His breath hitched how did she know, Hikari? The last word seemed like a bomb he hoped his skin tone matched the rug and she'd leave him alone. He looked up and saw the look of anger and sadness on her face, no the hiding wasn't working.

"I looked all day for it, give me it" She forced a hand into his facce

He dug around in his pack and gave her the service pistol. He took notice of the white letters on the bottom M. KATSURAGI and the NERV symbol on the grips, he knew that Miasto was livid she it looked like he had failed her agian. Why hadn't he just done it he failed in KILLING HIMSELF for the second time! No one is that big of a fuck up, other than him.

"Why at school?" Miasto stared at the gun

"You weren't there" Shinji said

"I don't know what to do, how do I stop you?" Miasto looked him in the eye

"I-" Shinji was cut off

"You'll be placed with Section 2, it's......it's for you" Miasto tried to sound stern

* * *

He'd been here for four days and they were all the same wake up, eat, get handcuffed to a chair to 'talk' though he never did, eat, sleep. However his thoughts found there way to the class rep, see they had said they to her to ask about the EVA pilots. The first day when they told him he tried fighting but after the fourth day he really started freaking out lack of sleep and paranoia has led him to think that maybe something had happened to Hikari? At this point Shinji thought the course of action was to overreact, he tugged on the handcuffs applying all his weight to the chair while pulling on the cuffs chain. Each time he thought it was breaking it slipped being wet from sweat and the now free flow of blood running from his wrists.

"Ikari!" Dammit

"Where is Hikari?" He stopped moving

"She's no longer at NERV" The medic moved to his wrists

"Is she......okay?" Fear

"No, you......might be able to call her?" Rare that Section 2 wasn't this kind

"I..........I wasn't trying to...to.." Would they think he wasn't killing himself

"It's not my problem, after we patch you up you could call her" Their trying to make me happy? This is NERV right?

"Okay!" He tried not to smile

The dial tone felt like it had been going off for hours, his hands clasped the plastic harder

"Hello?"

"I,um,Hikari there?"

"Hold....Hello?" he grinned

"Hi, it's um Ikari"

"Shinji!" The tone sounded excited

"Hi, are you okay?"

"Yeah, are you okay? I've been trying to....to talk to you, you haven't been around some people asked weird things about you I.....I thought you might have have hurt your self" Was she crying?

"Hikari I....." Maybe she cared, maybe he didn't fail her but could he trust her, he didn't even know her "I.......I did....I hurt myself"


End file.
